Why Needing People Doesn't Make You Weak

This keeps coming up lately—with clients, with friends, in conversations everywhere.

People carrying so much shame about needing connection. They'll say it quietly, almost apologetically: "I know I shouldn't need this, but..." "If I was stronger, I wouldn't want..." "I feel pathetic saying this out loud, but..."

And they're always surprised when I normalize it. When I tell them that every human being has this need. That it's not a flaw or weakness or something to fix.

But we don't talk about this enough. So people walk around thinking they're the only one who feels this way.

The Self-Sufficiency Myth

We live in a world that glorifies self-sufficiency above everything else.

Independence is the goal. Not needing anyone is strength. Being able to handle everything yourself is success.

And look, I'm all for developing internal resources. For things coming from the inside, not just relying on others.

But I think we've swung so far in that direction that we've made needing people feel like failure.

And that's not just unhealthy—it's counter to how we're actually wired.

The Shame No One Talks About

So many clients eventually admit, after weeks or months: "I just want a partner who has my back." "I need friends who actually show up, not just like my posts." "I'm tired of doing everything alone."

And they say it like it's shameful. Like wanting connection means they haven't worked hard enough on themselves.

Every single time, I'm like: no. That's literally how humans are designed to function.

Your nervous system is built to co-regulate with others. Your brain develops in relationship. Your sense of safety is created through connection, not isolation.

You're not supposed to be able to do everything alone. That's not the goal. That's just what we've been sold.

Why We Confuse Independence with Isolation

I get why self-sufficiency is seductive. Freedom sounds good. Not depending on anyone feels safe.

Especially if you've been hurt before. If trusting others has backfired. If you learned that needing people meant getting disappointed.

Of course you'd build a life where you don't need anyone. It makes sense.

But there's a difference between being independent and being isolated. Between self-sufficiency and cutting yourself off from connection.

Somewhere along the way, we started confusing the two.

The Both/And Truth

You can be strong AND need people.

Capable AND want support. Whole on your own AND still deeply desire partnership, friendship, community.

Both can be true. Both ARE true for most of us.

But we live in a culture that only celebrates one half—the independent half. The "I don't need anyone" half.

So we shame the other part. The part that wants connection, needs validation, craves belonging.

We tell ourselves that if we were just healthier, more healed, more self-actualized—we wouldn't feel this way.

But getting healthier doesn't mean you stop needing people. It means you get better at knowing what you need and finding healthy ways to meet those needs.

The Difference Between Dependence and Interdependence

Yes, there's an unhealthy version where you're so dependent on others that you lose yourself. Where you can't function without constant validation. Where your entire sense of safety comes from someone else.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the fact that we need people. And acknowledging that doesn't make you weak.

Wanting a partner who shows up? Normal. Needing friends you can count on? Normal. Craving community that goes deeper than surface interactions? Normal.

None of that means you're codependent or haven't done enough inner work. It just means you're human.

We Went Too Far

I think we went too far. In the push toward independence, we made needing people feel like something to transcend.

Like the goal is to be so complete in yourself that you don't need anyone for anything.

But that's not health. That's isolation.

Real health is interdependence. Where you're secure enough in yourself to let people in. Where you can stand on your own AND ask for support. Where needing someone doesn't feel like losing yourself.

That's the middle ground we're missing.

What We Actually Need

I'm watching so many people burn out trying to do everything alone. Priding themselves on not needing anyone while quietly drowning. Performing independence while feeling profoundly lonely.

So here's what I want to normalize:

Your need for connection isn't something to fix. It's part of being human.

Wanting people to show up doesn't mean you're not strong enough. It means you're honest about what you need.

Needing validation, presence, support—none of that makes you weak. It makes you aware of what actually sustains you.

The work isn't to eliminate those needs. The work is to recognize them, honor them, and build relationships where they can be met in healthy ways.

The Permission You've Been Waiting For

You're allowed to need people. You're allowed to want community. You're allowed to ask for support. You're allowed to build a life where you're not doing everything by yourself.

That's not weakness. That's wisdom and strength.

You can be independent and still want someone to have your back. You can be capable and still need support. You can work on yourself and still acknowledge that you're not meant to do life completely alone.

All of it can be true at once.

If you're realizing you'd like support in navigating this - learning to be both independent and connected, honoring your needs without shame - my 1:1 therapy waitlist for 2026 is open. I'd love to hear from you to chat about what working together could look like.

I'm also building an app called Baseline to help you find your way back to regulation so you can show up in connection without losing yourself. We're getting ready to officially launch soon. Join the waitlist to be first to get access.