Why Your Expectations Are Stressing You Out (And What to Do Instead)!

We all have them. Expectations about how our day should go, how people should respond to us, how quickly we should progress, how our bodies should feel, how our relationships should look, how we should be by now.

And when reality doesn't match those expectations? Stress. Frustration. That tight feeling in your chest. The sense that something's gone wrong.

What’s interesting is that it's not reality that's causing the stress. It's the gap between your expectation and what actually is.

The Problem With Expectations

Expectations are really about control. They're our attempt to dictate how things should unfold.

This meeting should go well. They should understand me. I should feel better by now. This should be easier.

Every "should" is your mind trying to control an outcome. Trying to force reality into the shape you've decided it needs to be.

And here's the problem: when we're in control mode, we're blind to our actual reality. We're so focused on what should be happening that we can't see what is happening. We miss information, opportunities, what our body is telling us, what the situation actually needs.

Control creates tunnel vision. It narrows our focus to one outcome and makes everything else feel like failure.

What Expectations Do to Your Nervous System

Let's get somatic for a moment. Notice what happens in your body when you hold a rigid expectation.

Set an expectation right now. "This week should be productive." Feel that?

Your body tenses. Your jaw might tighten. Your shoulders creep up. Your breathing becomes shallower. There's a subtle bracing, a holding, a clenching.

That's your nervous system preparing for disappointment. Preparing to fight against reality if it doesn't match your expectation.

Expectations keep your nervous system in a low-level stress state constantly monitoring, constantly comparing, constantly judging whether things are going right or wrong.

It's exhausting.

But If I Don't Have Expectations, I Won't Achieve Anything

I hear this every time I talk about loosening expectations. The immediate fear that without them, we'll become passive, unmotivated, directionless. That we'll stop achieving, stop growing, stop striving.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

There's a huge difference between having standards, vision, and dreams - and having rigid expectations that stress your nervous system.

Standards are about what you value and what you're committed to. They're internal. They guide your choices and actions.

Expectations are about demanding that reality show up a certain way. They're external. They create suffering when things don't go as planned.

You can have high standards for yourself without having rigid expectations about outcomes. You can have a clear vision without needing to control exactly how or when it unfolds. You can have dreams without attaching to a specific timeline or path.

The difference? Loosening the grip.

Curiosity Will Do More For You Than Control Ever Will

Here's what I'm learning (and continuing to learn): curiosity will do more for me and my life than control ever will.

When I approach things with curiosity instead of expectations, everything shifts.

Instead of This should go well → I wonder how this will unfold.

Instead of They should get it → I'm curious how they'll respond.

Instead of I should feel better → What is my body telling me right now?

Instead of This should be easier → What is this difficulty teaching me?

Curiosity opens. Control closes.

Curiosity allows you to see what's actually happening. Control forces you to only see what you expected to happen.

Curiosity keeps your nervous system regulated. Control keeps it braced for disappointment.

What Loosening the Grip Actually Looks Like

Loosening the grip doesn't mean you stop caring. It doesn't mean you become passive or settle for less.

It means holding your vision lightly instead of desperately. You know where you want to go, but you're open to the path looking different than you imagined.

It means being clear about your values without needing everyone else to share them. You know what matters to you, but you don't need to control how others show up.

It means doing your best without needing the outcome to be perfect. You give your full effort, but you can accept that sometimes things don't go as planned and that's not failure.

It means staying curious about what's actually happening instead of being rigid about what should be happening. You meet reality as it is, not as you wish it were.

It means trusting yourself to handle whatever comes instead of trying to prevent anything uncomfortable from happening. You know you'll figure it out.

The Nervous System Shift

Your body softens. Your breathing deepens. There's more space, more ease.

You can think more clearly because you’re not using all your energy to brace against disappointment.

You can respond to what's actually happening instead of reacting to the gap between what is and what you thought should be.

You can see opportunities you would have missed because you’re not tunnel-visioned on one specific outcome.

Your nervous system can relax because it's not constantly monitoring whether reality is matching your expectations.

That's the shift. That's what makes all the difference.

Try This

Notice when you're holding an expectation. You'll feel it in your body - that tightness, that bracing, that subtle stress.

Ask yourself:

• What am I expecting right now?

• What happens if I loosen my grip on this?

• Can I be curious instead of controlling?

• What is actually happening, versus what I think should be happening?

And then see what shifts. You might be surprised how much stress dissolves when you stop demanding that reality show up a certain way and start meeting it as it is.

Have standards. Have vision. Have dreams.

But loosen the grip on how and when and exactly what shape they should take.

Stay curious. Stay open. Trust yourself to handle whatever comes.

Your nervous system will thank you.

Working with patterns of control and rigid expectations? If you're noticing chronic stress from constantly monitoring whether things are going "right," therapy can help. We can work together to shift these patterns at the nervous system level, not just the cognitive level.

Currently booking for January onwards. Get in touch here or send me a DM to learn more!