Why "I Should Be Grateful" Might Be Making Things Worse!

You know that voice in your head that says "it could be worse" or "I should just be grateful" when things are hard? That automatic jump to positivity when what you really need is to acknowledge that things aren't okay?

This is called positive bypassing. And it might be keeping you more stuck than you realize.

Let's talk about something that's been coming up more and more in therapy sessions—and honestly, something I've been working through myself.

What Is Positive Bypassing?

Positive bypassing is when we use positivity to avoid what we're actually feeling. It's like putting a smiley face sticker over a warning light on your dashboard—it looks better, but the problem is still there.

We skip over what's truly happening and jump straight to "but I should be grateful" or "at least it's not worse." It sounds like "it could be worse," "everything happens for a reason," "just think positive," "other people have it harder," "I should be grateful," or "good vibes only."

For me, it looked like not acknowledging when things were hard, thinking "ah, it could be worse." Thinking I could think my way out of difficult emotions instead of actually feeling them.

But here's what I've learned: you can't think your way out of what you need to feel your way through.

What Your Body Already Knows

Here's the thing most people don't realize: your body knows when you're doing this.

You might be telling yourself "I'm fine, I should just be grateful," but your shoulders are tight. Your jaw is clenched. Your breathing is shallow. You're exhausted even though you "shouldn't be."

When we bypass our emotions with forced positivity, that emotion doesn't disappear—it goes underground.

And then it shows up as:

• Physical tension you can't explain

• Anxiety that seems to come from nowhere

• Exhaustion even when you're "resting"

• That vague sense that something's off

• Stress that builds because you're working so hard to keep the lid on

Your body is literally holding the feelings you won't let yourself acknowledge.

Why We Do This (And Why It's Exhausting)

We bypass our feelings because feeling them is uncomfortable. It's vulnerable. Sometimes it feels overwhelming or even scary.

We live in a culture that prizes productivity, positivity, and having it together. Admitting we're struggling can feel like failing. So we push it down, tell ourselves it could be worse, and keep going.

Plus, maybe when you were growing up, your feelings weren't welcome. Maybe you learned that being positive was safer than being honest. Maybe you were told "don't cry," "you're too sensitive," or "you should be grateful for what you have" when you expressed difficult emotions.

So you learned to bypass. Because it was adaptive. It helped you survive.

But what helped you survive then might be keeping you stuck now.

The Hidden Cost to Your Nervous System

Here's the aha moment: the energy it takes to suppress an emotion is often greater than the energy it takes to actually feel it.

When you chronically bypass your emotions, your nervous system stays in a low-level stress state. Because it's working overtime to:

• Suppress what you're feeling

• Monitor what's "safe" to feel

• Keep the "unacceptable" emotions at bay

• Maintain the facade that everything's fine

That's exhausting. That's why you might feel depleted even when "nothing's wrong." Your system is using so much energy to keep you from feeling what you need to feel.

When you give yourself permission to acknowledge what's there—really acknowledge it—something shifts. The emotion has been seen. Your nervous system can relax a little. You're no longer fighting yourself.

Acknowledgment Changes Everything

Here's what I keep learning, both in my practice and in my own life: you have to acknowledge before you can let go.

You can't release what you won't admit is there.

Acknowledgment doesn't mean wallowing or getting stuck. It doesn't mean you can't move toward feeling better. It means pausing long enough to say: "This is hard. I'm struggling. I feel [sad/angry/overwhelmed/disappointed], and that's okay."

It means letting your body know: I hear you. What you're feeling makes sense.

Only then—after you've acknowledged what's actually there—can you move toward genuine positivity. The kind that doesn't require you to pretend or push parts of yourself away.

Genuine Positivity vs. Positive Bypassing

Let me be really clear: I'm not saying you shouldn't be positive or practice gratitude. I love gratitude. I believe in hope. I'm not asking you to stay stuck in negative thinking.

There's a huge difference between genuine positivity and positive bypassing.

Genuine positivity holds space for the full range of human experience. It's both/and:

• "This is really difficult AND I'm finding ways to cope."

• "I feel sad about this AND I'm grateful for what I have."

• "I'm struggling AND I trust I'll get through this."

Positive bypassing uses positivity to avoid. It's either/or:

• "Don't think about the bad, just focus on the good."

• "I shouldn't feel this way because others have it worse."

• "I should just be grateful."

Genuine positivity makes room for all of you. Positive bypassing asks you to show up as less than whole.

What to Try Instead

When you notice yourself going into "it could be worse" mode or pushing away difficult feelings, try this:

1. Pause and name it What am I actually feeling right now? Can I name it without judgment? (Sad, angry, scared, disappointed, overwhelmed, lonely...)

2. Feel it in your body Where do I notice this feeling? What's the sensation? (Tightness in chest, heaviness in shoulders, pit in stomach, tension in jaw...)

3. Validate it "This feeling makes sense. It's okay to feel this way. I'm allowed to struggle." You're not being dramatic. You're being human.

4. Breathe with it Can you take a few deep breaths and just be with this feeling? Not fix it, not push it away. Just acknowledge it's there.

5. Then—and only then—ask: What do I need? Sometimes it's rest. Sometimes it's talking to someone. Sometimes it's just letting yourself cry. And yes, sometimes after you've acknowledged the hard stuff, you can genuinely find something to be grateful for. But it comes after, not instead of.

The Bottom Line

Your feelings are information. They're your body's way of telling you something important. When you bypass them with forced positivity, you miss the message.

You don't need to be positive all the time. You need to be real.

And here's what I'm learning: when you give yourself permission to be real—to acknowledge what's hard, to feel what you feel without immediately trying to fix or change it—that's when genuine healing happens. That's when your nervous system can finally relax. That's when real positivity, the kind that doesn't require you to pretend, becomes possible.

You're allowed to struggle. You're allowed to feel hard things. And you're allowed to acknowledge them without immediately jumping to "but I should be grateful."

Both can be true. You can be struggling AND grateful. Sad AND hopeful. Overwhelmed AND trusting you'll get through.

That's not bypassing. That's being fully human.

Ready to explore this deeper? If you're noticing patterns of bypassing your emotions or feeling like you can't let yourself truly feel things, therapy can help. We can work together to understand where this pattern came from and create more space for all of you—not just the "acceptable" parts.

Currently booking for January onwards. Get in touch here or send me a DM to learn more!